Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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