I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
