Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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