Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
