Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
