You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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