My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Enjoy the penises
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
