Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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