Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
