I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
