So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
