I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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