how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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