Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
