If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
