I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
