Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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