Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
