I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
