Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
