Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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