I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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