i just had sex bonerless
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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