The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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