I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
