the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
