god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
