never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
And then he peed in my hair
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