Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
