Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
