Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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