Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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