If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
