Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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