What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
