Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
