I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
