You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
God, I missed his penis.
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