I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
