Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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