I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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