I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
