Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
