If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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