So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
