Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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