I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You are a genius and a whore.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
