my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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