At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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