life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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