The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
