Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
